My wife and I have been married for about a year and together for another 6 months on top of that. We both decided to get married a little earlier than we both felt comfortable due to immigration and money. (She is Peruvian and I am in the military.) Unfortunately, she has taken to the wife role a lot better than I have to the husband. She is a very attached and affection woman. But she also has many issues involving trust and neediness. We often get in fights, and normally we just have make up *** and forget about the whole situation by the next morning. I thought this was unhealthy as we never got any real resolution to our problem from the previous night. Last night the same thing happened again, but this time when I woke up, I was still tore up and sad at how we fight so much and how it seems to be so pointless. On top of all of this, I am soon to be training to special forces that will require me to be gone more time than I home, and this is after the 2 year school. As I said before, she is very attached. Even when I leave now for a week or less for work, it is very difficult for her. We have talked about this and what to do. She knows I will go through with this job, it is something she is finally accepting, so weve sat down and talked about our future and it seems even at our best – things would be very difficult. So at this point, I have decided that it is best to end things before we get any further with each other. We are both still young and she could go back to peru to finish school and live with her family (as she has wanted for some time now) and I can work on my career. I have already decided this is the best. I would rather break our hearts now and end this rather than drag it on and pretend like everything is good. I especially do not need to make the future training any more difficult than it will already be dealing with her, and she shouldn’t be in pain due to separation from me and just waiting for me. She is a very smart and beautiful girl that I have to admit would be better suited for another man. Love was blinding me at first, but the truth is now rearing its ugly head and has informed me that staying together is not the best option. So my question is what is the best way to do this? She almost has her residency here, so I will wait til after that before I start anything, but after that what is the best way to go about the situation? The only thing we share is a bank account with a few thousand in it and an apartment. I have no problem giving her that money for her family and what not back home. I also bought a car for her, which I will probably sell once she moves. But other than that we do not share much. I don’t think she will make this a grandeur divorce, and may even want to stay married just so she can travel back and forth as she pleases. I plan on trying to deal with this just between us. Anybody with a similar situation with advice would be great. Thanks. Warren.
Counseling is not really an option either. I have brought that up before and that didn’t work too well. I have also seriously picked my brain for multiple options, and have none that have worked. That seem to be suppressors with no real result.
i think that you know the answer yourself. The marriage aint working, you want out. But the reality of it is that breaking up with a decent person is really tricky and heart wrenching. The only solution is to be strong and tell her point blank that it isng working and keep to it. Like you say, she is young enough to find some one else and she will get over you in time. good luck
If I were you…..
I would start counseling before I had to leave, and
have her stay in counseling while I was gone.
She can overcome her insecurities, and get an
education while you are gone.
If the situation does not get better, she can always
go back home after some time has passed.
Throwing the marriage away will only cause regrets.
You are running from the situation by talking divorce
before you have given any effort toward repairing it.
Best wishes
Her insecurities probably stem from something else other than the relationship that you both have together. Some women of other nationalities that come from other countries feel as if they may not equal up to the standards that they should (inferior) kind of feeling.
I know how this must be eating you up inside, and it feels as if you just cannot stand her clingyness. Many men and women feel this way.
I wouldn’t say just right into divorce. Maybe a separation for the time that you are going to leaving would prove healthy for the relationship so that you can both reflect on some things. Since you said that you may not divorce so that she can continue to travel. Maybe this will put things into perspective. If after that, you come back and it still doesn’t work out, then I would say, go ahead for the divorce, and try to keep it on good terms.
One, if you two divorce before the 10 year mark, she won’t be able to remain in the country. There are strict laws that pertain to being married only such a short amount of time and her residency will do nothing to help her remain here.
Second, i hope you are truly learning from this. You are unable to communicate and open dialog with another person to help create resolutions to problems. This will plague every relationship you have. Even if you meet someone who is able to try to open dialogue, if you are unable it will lead to the same problems. You need to go get some self help books or seek help to learn how to manage problems within a relationship before getting into another relationship.
I also hope you learned that getting married right away isn’t healthy and not worth doing twice. Had you waited one full year before hand, you could probably have avoided this entire thing.
Third, there is no way to end something easily when one person doesn’t want to end it. She is entitled to her emotions and feelings on the subject. You cannot be spared them if you decide to go through with asking for a divorce. Be like me asking you to accept me hurting you really badly without you saying a word about it or making a noise that would indicate you having pain. Unreasonable really. And truthfully, the only reason you are asking this quesiton is to save yourself from having to cope with her emotions and feelings.
Be honest and candid. Sit her down and say it as it is. I want a divorce. When she asks why, simply tell her you are not happy within the marriage. Do not lay this on her. Do not tell her that you feel she would be happier elsewhere or with someone else. It’s selfish and not the real truth to it. Real truth is YOU do not want the marriage so take full and total responsibility for it. You can state that you feel the marriage doesn’t have a good dynamic and seems to have unresolvable issues. But lay the blame on yourself. She’ll be just as hurt, just as upset… but at least you won’t be blaming her. Take what she says, listen. Acknowledge her emotions and feelings as valid, even if it does nothing to change your mind.
Say things along the lines of… ‘I understand that you feel that way and i accept it, but it doesn’t change the fact that i still an unhappy and want a divorce’.